Two steps forward, one step backwards

I would say that the past fall semester consisted of two steps forward. Now, I find myself in a familiar place, meaning I took a step backwards. Maybe it is the rhythm of life that will never change or maybe it will once I move beyond this stage, whatever it is. Needless to say, I would rather rewind to my life one month ago. I felt like I was making progress. As a friend put it, "I got my swagger."

Ok. Maybe I didn't have swagger, but I felt a semblance of being a real person. I felt like each interaction I had with people was useful and meaningful on numerous levels. I donned professional clothes. I ate leftovers I made for lunch in the teachers' workroom. I came home tired but still looking professional. I graded papers. I talked to at least 40 different people each day. I was treated like an individual who had the ability to run a group of students. I looked in the mirror each morning and evening and a person with a forming potential stared back at me.

Looking into the mirror isn't quite as interesting anymore. The "quick-service restaurant" uniform is just as unflattering as it has always been. Lunch is free food, usually a salad eaten in a humming food court around 2pm. I come home covered in coater and sporting hat-hair. It may be nice to not have any work to do outside of work, but my mind yearns for that occupation. I am so thankful that student teaching revealed how much I love teaching, but I can't help but be a little resentful that the desire to teach cannot be fulfilled right now in my terms.

Surely there is a better way to spend my time at home. This period of my life is just beginning. I can't spend it wishing I was at Taylor or still doing student teaching. I have to move on even though I don't want that. Contentment is something I have to pray for constantly because I always seem to want what isn't best for me. It is a grand game of tug-of-war which God always wins but not before he lets me tug my way for a couple minutes. I feel like there are things dragging me back to this situation for a reason and I don't care to put my finger on why because I would make myself crazy if I did that for everything that is happening.

So, even though I feel like I'm taking one step backwards for two steps forward, I do not care to try and pin down reasons why.