This time last year, I wrote a blog about autumn. This year, I will also write something about autumn. Not with descriptions of dying leaves but with the combination of winter and summer... What happens when you're caught in the middle...
Departing the college world is like sledding down a great hill with a jump at the end. When you reach the jump, you feel weightless, as if you could keep flying in jubilation for surviving the ride...and then you land. Landing is not nearly as fun as you thought. All the air is compressed from your lungs, leaving all vital organs wondering where the oxygen went and when it would be back. Gasping for air, and looking like an idiot, you stay exactly how you landed. At first it's for preservation of your life and then you decide you never want to move again. Eventually, you regain your senses and you look around wondering what happened and how long did you lay there looking like a deformed snow angel.
If I could describe how I feel in this moment, it would be the very last part. Looking around, I'm wondering how long I've been trying to survive, barely moving so that nothing would be uncomfortable. College is over. Pouring my heart out to some poor soul until the wee hours of the morning is no longer an option. Life revolves around making decisions and spending/earning money and balancing family and friends. It was so much easier to pretend that I could hold onto the dazed and confused Bridget who looked like a deformed snow angel. If I'm honest with myself, I don't want to stay like that. On the other hand, I don't want to feel any more discomfort. That landing was hard enough, thanks.
That isn't a choice I get to make, though. If I stay there at the bottom of the figurative hill, I'm going to get run over by somebody... and who would want that? Movement is ever-present in the world, especially in this society. Embracing it right about now would probably be a good idea. Embrace the changes, adjust, and choose to thrive. Living with my parents is just a part of the process. Getting into auto accidents happens. Feeling like a failure as a teacher is normal. I feel like I should create my own line of pop/techno music to sell to such people as myself to help pump us up, to keep moving, refuse stagnancy.
If I was supposed to thrive on my own, I think success would be easier to obtain. Instead, it requires a different perspective. My efforts are pathetic. I've been failing miserably in communicating with people, written or verbal, lately. What do I do with that? Those are basic functions of everyday life. I can't just admit silly things like that though. It takes outside help... which means more of an inside help. I have the "tools" to achieve progress. I have to use them, though... because acknowledging my possessions does nothing. That's like saying you have an iPad 2 over there, on the kitchen table, yet you sit on the sofa.
All of this to say, I'm attempting to pep-talk myself into getting off the sofa, up from the ground, and out of my defunked snow angel pose. This is life. This is what I should deal with and conquer. Summer graduation is over and the sled ride is over. I'm left in autumn, surrounded by change. Awesome. Thanks for the reminder, God.
No comments:
Post a Comment